Oh, my heart aches for my babies

So we talked with the boys about Grandpa tonight.

My heart is aching.

Dani brought over this wonderful book from Angela (thanks, mamas) called The Next Place

Zander is always excited for new books, and asked about, so we climbed in my lap, and he read it to me.

As he read the words, I was filled with emotion. The book was the perfect segue into the conversation we needed to have.

We talked about what they already know, that Grandpa was very sick and wasn’t going to get better. And then we simply told them that meant that Grandpa was going to die soon.

They were both quiet. Zevan turned quickly and smiled at me, I think because he thought I was joking. We asked them if they understood what we meant. They both nodded and said that they did.

We talked about Logan and Bartleby.

I asked Zander how he felt, and he said, “Sad.” And we told him that we felt sad, too, because it is a sad thing.

Then he starting sobbing. Heart-wrenching sobs as he clung to my neck. Which of course, made both Doug and I start sobbing along with him.

Zander has such a tender soul, and I knew it was going to be so hard for him. It was too much to bear. His sobs just ripped into my heart.

We encouraged him to cry and to feel sad and let him know that if he wanted to ask anything, just to ask.

Zevan just observed.

Then Zander went over to Doug and hugged him. Then Zevan climbed in my lap. Zander moved over to the big purple chair, and was so sad. Doug went over and held him. Zevan noticed The Next Place and asked me to read it to him. So I did. And Doug talked with Zander quietly while he cried.

We carried the boys up to bed and laid with them for a long while. I had one boy under each arm, and just wept quietly for a long time. Zevan dozed off, and I wrapped myself around Zander and caressed his face for a while. I noticed he wasn’t sleepy, so I asked him if he wanted to read something for a little while.

He did, and he chose “Super Diaper Baby.” I looked over his shoulder for a while, then he asked me to read it to him. So I did, and he laughed, which woke Zevan, and I ended up reading to both of them. After the book, we turned off the lights and laid down again.

Zander sniffled, and said, “I hope Grandpa is alive tomorrow.”

I assured him that he probably would be and we would visit with him.

Zevan asked, “How long until he dies?”

I told him that we didn’t know, but that we needed to enjoy our time with him while we can.

In a small sad voice, Zander said, “Well, at least I have you guys.”

I hugged him to me and said, “You sure do. And you have Grandma. And Lolo and Lola. And a lot of people who love you very much.”

I told him how it was very sad, and that it was going to be hard, but that we would help each other through.

Zevan rolled closer to me, and seemed to be sniffling, close to crying. I told him that he could cry if he wanted to. He didn’t, but made some very sad sounds.

We talked about how we would visit Grandpa tomorrow and give him big hugs.


Oh my heart hurts. I thought I was cried out, but now it begins anew. I don’t know how we are going to do this, but I know that we will.